2009 年 8 月 28 日 星期 五 今晚报
by Scott Dalrymple（斯科特·达勒姆波） 佚 名 译
本文从一个假定外星人的角度，对地球提出了不少忠告，读起来妙趣横生，引人深思。
首先，请容许我们为绑架地球人而表达歉意。尽管在绑架发生的当口，那瞧上去像是个好主意，但我们常常发现你们不像我们那样享受那种经历。我们情真意切地为失控的绑架致歉。
起初我们只是想找点乐子，就像是仔细观察一整天后的偶尔放松。我们不打算搅扰任何人，也一直将地球人放回到最初发现你们的地方。坦白说，你们地球人并不是那么有趣，我们或许不久后就会对整件事感到腻烦。
但是，从你们的那些可爱的目击者的证词里，我们找到了不少刺激，譬如说我们长着乌黑的大眼珠、细瘦的胳膊等等。你们让我们感觉自己挺特别，即便你们的那些传言纯属胡编乱造。写外星人的书、有外星人出场的电影、外星人T恤衫——弄得我们像名人一样。你们中的一些人还一本正经地研究我们，构思出各种阴谋论之类的东西。真是太好玩了。
你们中有许多人都写信询问麦田怪圈的事情，那就让我在此解释清楚吧。圈不是我们干的。真的，不是我们干的。请用心想想吧。你们地球人飞抵月球都困难重重，但即便如此，你们还是发明了手机、卫星电视和高速DSL。我们以你们认为可不可能实现的速度飞行于群星间——可你们还认为我们需要为了联络用途而压下麦秆？
我们不想在这里被你们看成是诉苦者，不过有几件事，我们希望可以讨论一下。
第一件事，我们被你们的媒体所描绘的外星人形象弄得心烦意乱。外星人的种类林林总总，多得会吓你们一大跳。但是在这颗星球上，我们多半被描写成秃头的学究，额头鼓起，像西瓜一样；要不然就被说成是想要吃掉人类的巨形昆虫。
“外星人”一词带有负面的涵义。根据我们最近进行的一项抽样调查，该词能唤起人类的以下联想：（1）黏糊糊的寄生生物，随时准备出人意料地跳到你脸上，将幼虫植入你的体内；或者（2）采摘甘蓝菜的人。
我们已经讨论过这件事，我们不希望再被人称为“外星人”。从今往后，我们更希望被称呼为“查克·诺里斯”。请勿缩写，也不要加连字符，或者进行任何形式的改动。复数形式也不能改动，要这样写，就如“嘿，那里走来一个查克·诺里斯。等等，那里又走来一个。”
最后，我们要给你们几条建议。
当你们有心情思考时，就好好地看一下你们对地球犯下的罪孽。你们正在毁掉这颗星球：把自然资源消耗殆尽，污染空气，毁掉大海，将许多独特的物种永久地灭绝。这完全就是大错误，更是完全不合情理的。每个人都知道合乎逻辑的做法是找到别的种族居住的星球，然后把那颗星球毁掉。你们这群呆瓜。你们怎么可能指望在即将来临的星际经济时代幸免于难？
现在，我们将要离开一会儿，等到我们回来时，期待能见到你们已经取得了长足的进步，朝着成年的道路前进。当然，这也就意味着更少的无谓的军事冲突、更少的电视真人秀节目，当然还有更少的数独游戏。
甭让我们失望。
First off, allow us to apologize for the abductions. Although it seemed like a good idea at the time, we recognize that too often you did not find the experience as satisfying as we did. We genuinely regret the way things got out of hand.
It started out as just something to do, an occasional way to blow off steam after a long day of observation. We tried not to break anybody, and we always put you back where we found you. Frankly you aren’t all that interesting, and we might soon have grown tired of the whole thing.
But we got such a kick out of your cute eyewitness accounts, what with the stories of our big dark eyes and little arms and all. You made us feel special, even if your tales were complete crap. The books, the movies, the T-shirts——we were like celebrities. And some of you took it all so seriously, with your conspiracy theories and everything. It was really quite a hoot.
Many of you have written asking about crop circles, so let’s set the record straight. It ain’t us. Really, it’s not. Think about it. You people have trouble reaching your own moon, and even you have cell phones, satellite TV, and high-speed DSL. We sail between stars at speeds you believe impossible——you think we have to knock down veggies in order to communicate？
Now we don’t want to be seen as whiners, but there are a few things we wish to discuss.
For one thing, we are troubled by the way we have been portrayed in the media. We represent an array of life whose richness and sheer scope would astound you. Yet for the most part, on this planet we are typecast as either hairless dweebs with foreheads like watermelons, or else giant insects who want to eat you.
The very word “alien” is plagued by negative associations. According to our latest focus groups, the term conjures up images of 1) slimy, parasitic creatures who spring onto the faces of unsuspecting beings in order to plant their young inside, or 2) people picking cabbages.
We’ve discussed this among ourselves, and we no longer wish to be called aliens. Henceforth, we prefer to be called “Chuck Norris.” Please do not shorten, hyphenate, or alter this in any way. The plural form is the same, as in, “Hey, there goes a Chuck Norris. Wait, there goes another one.”
Finally, some advice.
While you’re in a reflective mood, take a closer look at what you’re doing to your planet. You are ruining it：depleting your natural resources, polluting your air, sickening your oceans, and destroying unique species forever. This is just plain wrong, not to mention completely irrational. Everyone knows that the logical thing is to find somebody else’s planet and ruin that. Noobs. How can you possibly expect to survive in the coming interstellar economy？
We’re going away for a bit now, and when we return, we expect to find that you have made significant progress toward sitting at the adults’ table. This will, of course, mean fewer senseless military conflicts, less reality television, and no more Sudoku.
Don’t make us come down there.
（中文摘自《科幻世界》）
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